Knowing when to let go of what never was…

Sorry Boo

Love and miss you Boo

Is there really anything more to say other than it is over and goodbye…never had a chance to say goodbye in person…Wasn’t a priority or important. Guess it was best she had mom do it. At least it wasnt a text which had been the usual. I admit I don’t do well with breakups but after 3 months you would think a 50 year old woman could do it in person. She was busy with her best friend that is getting divorced. That definitely was priority.  Yes I reacted in a very hurtful and wrong way.

Shel Silverstein

“The Voice

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you–just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.”
— Shel Silverstein

Victoria

I have loved all those lost but this hit the hardest. Perhaps reality of my own mortality and how positive you remained in spite of all the pain. Your kind spirit encouraging me in my darkest hours. The loss I feel at letting you go when we were good for each other. The many more memories we could have had if only I had nurtured that. My happiness that you found the family you so needed and deserved. Your unconditional love. I do have memories… Xmas… Urselas, ice cream, HBC church.. The teddy bear and bracelet now necklace.. Greedy to want more.. Grateful for what I have. More later. I love you beautiful kind soul.

if – rudyard kipling

Rudyard Kipling
If

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

realizations of an insomniac

Maybe I am reaching out to the wrong people. Some that are unavailable for whatever reason and therefore the rejection I am feeling is my own fault. What are my motives, can I be truthful about them- to myself…Will I be willing to risk venturing out of this…I can no longer be a victim or is that I lie I tell myself. I am so confused and lost and don’t know what is real and what is false and those I trust I get different messages from…God Help Me… I need more than human power to help me…I do need support of others because i cannot do this myself. The isolation and loneliness are torture….what to do…i want to smile and love and be all that God wants but I am lazy and fearful. Blah

The past

For some reason I chose to read some emails from years ago from a specific person and time in my life. It brought back some sadness and something in my doesn’t not want to delete them just yet. Guess that is a pattern of mine. Hold on till the bitter end. Not quite sure what it is I am holding on to so tightly and why surrendering is so difficult. Freeing yet so difficult. Soul searching, gut wrenching pain that I have attempted in every way possible to avoid only to have it resurface. I am smart enough to know that the only way out is through but am I strong enough for that. All of this represents so much more than the surface. The fear and isolation that keeps me stuck is killing me and robbing me of all the potential and purpose that could possibly be. I am concerned for me and concerned that my laziness and fear will kill me. All I do know is that something in me keeps a small amount of hope and Gods Grace and purpose has kept me alive this long. It can’t all be for nothing. I have got to take more action. No more victim…only God can give me the courage and faith and strength to do something different. I want to be the loving, trustworthy, unselfish person God means for me to be. Thank you God

sad

I am filled with extreme emotional pain. This hurts. I HAVE to believe GOD has a greater purpose. The alternative means death.

….

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was coming to an end… it became a beautiful butterfly…”

“It’s the Bitter Taste of losing everything..”

I am really going through some sadness and feeling it rather than avoiding it…perhaps even causing more sadness by the endless “flashbacks.” The cold hard facts are that I don’t want to be a mean or vindictive or hurtful person..and having resentment is no good for me. I pray to surrender and let go of that which I cannot change…I attempt to take action in hopes to get out of myself…yet I find I am full of fear and sadness and feel very alone….I try to give it to God…I try to pray for that person like the “book” tells me too so that they may have all I wish for..however a small part of me honestly is jealous that they appear to have all I desire..while this past year has been the roughest and most traumatic year of my life. I desire to really “love” and that means wanting those I truly love..to be happy regardless of my desires and wants and to be okay with that and accept that and be at one with all that is. As it is meant to be at this moment. How do I get there again, if I ever was at any point in my life. How much of my energy will I continue to waste on that which never was and never will be? How do I find peace in my actions and reactions to the adversities in life and use them as opportunities to evolve rather than regress and self destruct? When will I do something so dramatically different that I fulfill the unknown Purpose God has for me…I give Power to those that should not have the Power and I attempt to take the Power from the only ONE that has all Power…Small steps seem to get me know where – two steps forward three steps back. It is time to climb the mountains- passion and determination are so foreign. Hopes and Dreams so obscure and elusive…there is so much more to life than this…I want to contribute so much more and live life to the fullest. I want to look forward to awakening each morning full of life and newness. I have to find a way and find a way quickly to gather the strength and courage to make the seemingly impossible – possible. I have to find a way to break out of this prison and the bondage that entraps my mind. I am tired of being a spectator and not a participant, I am tired of waiting for the miracle rather than being and making that miracle happen. I want to be happy again and smile and laugh and be free..I was a few years ago for a very brief time and I know it exists. It is hard to remember at times that moment when I felt the most free..waiting for the bus, with the sun shining….about 90-120 days in and thinking “I could die right now, I get it, and all is perfect with the world in this moment..” Shortly thereafter I fell in love…and later just fell…no blame – no regrets other than my actions in the situation but the biggest loss has been giving away and becoming lost in the identity and peace I had finally started to feel. I want to be One with The Universe and God and I want to do Gods will…I must not allow anything to get in the way and I must forge the way…