I am really going through some sadness and feeling it rather than avoiding it…perhaps even causing more sadness by the endless “flashbacks.” The cold hard facts are that I don’t want to be a mean or vindictive or hurtful person..and having resentment is no good for me. I pray to surrender and let go of that which I cannot change…I attempt to take action in hopes to get out of myself…yet I find I am full of fear and sadness and feel very alone….I try to give it to God…I try to pray for that person like the “book” tells me too so that they may have all I wish for..however a small part of me honestly is jealous that they appear to have all I desire..while this past year has been the roughest and most traumatic year of my life. I desire to really “love” and that means wanting those I truly love..to be happy regardless of my desires and wants and to be okay with that and accept that and be at one with all that is. As it is meant to be at this moment. How do I get there again, if I ever was at any point in my life. How much of my energy will I continue to waste on that which never was and never will be? How do I find peace in my actions and reactions to the adversities in life and use them as opportunities to evolve rather than regress and self destruct? When will I do something so dramatically different that I fulfill the unknown Purpose God has for me…I give Power to those that should not have the Power and I attempt to take the Power from the only ONE that has all Power…Small steps seem to get me know where – two steps forward three steps back. It is time to climb the mountains- passion and determination are so foreign. Hopes and Dreams so obscure and elusive…there is so much more to life than this…I want to contribute so much more and live life to the fullest. I want to look forward to awakening each morning full of life and newness. I have to find a way and find a way quickly to gather the strength and courage to make the seemingly impossible – possible. I have to find a way to break out of this prison and the bondage that entraps my mind. I am tired of being a spectator and not a participant, I am tired of waiting for the miracle rather than being and making that miracle happen. I want to be happy again and smile and laugh and be free..I was a few years ago for a very brief time and I know it exists. It is hard to remember at times that moment when I felt the most free..waiting for the bus, with the sun shining….about 90-120 days in and thinking “I could die right now, I get it, and all is perfect with the world in this moment..” Shortly thereafter I fell in love…and later just fell…no blame – no regrets other than my actions in the situation but the biggest loss has been giving away and becoming lost in the identity and peace I had finally started to feel. I want to be One with The Universe and God and I want to do Gods will…I must not allow anything to get in the way and I must forge the way…
